I found something out about myself today. In high school i said i could not wait to leave because i wanted to get away from it all. Well i really wanted to get away from myself. With girls i had become a very insecure thing that wanted people to like me. When a girl started to like me because she thought i was cute or thought i was nice or whatever, i would usually pick up on it extremely quickly. If the girl was good looking and had a acceptable personality i would flirt with her and start hanging out with her. Me being a christian have always been told that i should not date a non christian (bible says not to marry but i agree with the not dating for reasons i wont get into now). So it does not take very long to find out that this girl was not living like the Perfect christian which i would tie to her Not being one. (I found this to be very shallow after my freshmen year in college when no-one could tell i was a christian) Ok so back to the story. I would flirt and hang out with these girls and when they would want more i would tell them that i could not date because of God or because running took up too much time and i did not want to neglect them or some other bull shit reason. when i reality i just dident think they were christians. But the only reason these girls gave me the light of day is because they thought i was nice or good looking. And because i was insecure i dident want to lose them as “friends”. So i would continue to flirt with them, never wanting anything to come of it and leading them on. so thats what i realized today. I used to lead people on just so they would continue to hold out for me even though i told them there was no chance. So i was leading girls on who i was not interested in just so if i did become interested they would be single and so i would have friends and peeps to flirt with. ASS HOLE> now a day i try not to do that but found that i still did with a girl i car greatly about. she is probably the closest human i have ever gotten involved with that almost matches my guideline for a girl-fried. but their is one piece missing and so i try real hard to ignore it and to just date her but every time we get close the missing piece of the puzzle just glares me in the face. The un-fun thing is that she is the smartest of them all. i told her that i liked her but there was something missing i just dident know what. She is the only one who knew i was either lying and just dident like her or that i was too scared to tell her what the missing piece was. She was right i was just too scared to tell her.
