black beauty

staring, shimmering, glaring, it looks up at me from the table full of emotion. full of rage, and love, and passion, and honesty. The feeling was sickening. It gazed at me as i oquardly glanced back and then away again. i know deep in my heart that i need it. i want it. i love it. but something in my tells me to hate it. There was once a time when i loved her. When i spent time with her. now i just look at her only to find another thing to use up my time. fleeting time, the kind that does not come but only goes, goes like the snow in the spring and the leaves in the fall. but she does not go. she stays unable to move but compltely able to look at me longing for me to love her. the text is more then i can handle so i dont handle it. i glance at it. but as i riht this in this very moment my thoughts leave me and i wonder what i even started with. and she i still there looking at me and i fall back in to the norm of my wastless life. the one that means nothing to noone. when will i ever see that the only way to life is to live and to live free of worrie and doubt and free to express myself in a way that glorifies god to the fullest because one day i will look him in the eye and he will ask what makes me worthy. he will tell me that she ahd all the answers to all his questions and if i never take her back i will never learn about what he is going to ask. so what do i do. keep on living uselessly or take her back and learn about how to live life.

workout

I had a really good workout today. we did a shorter threshold out in bath and it was fun. ran 7:41, 7:33, 7:24 for 3X1.5mile. The pace was more then prescribed but that is only because max was mad about not being in the “fast” group. (i think we were the fast group)<p>

when i look at workouts like this one i dont really care that we were fast. i am more excited that i ran like i did. i wonder what i can do and if what kind of oppertunitys i will be blessed with in my future. its hard for me most the time because i dont feel like i am ever doing anything right. I feel like i am taking my hole life in my own hands and icnoring God all together. maybe i am. but i think the fact remains that i do in fact need a new attitude. I need to not be afraid of running fast, not be afraid of sacrificing much to gain more in running, and not be ashamed of the sucess that i am capible of having. I know i love God with all my heart but i dont think that is enough. The new attitude has to be one of trust. I have to remind myself that Jesus said “not my will but yours” this has to be my motto in running. not to be ashamed of spending time with running or sacrificing things for running but rather knowing that God wants be to be running and it is okay. And also accepting the fact that if he does not want me running anymore i will stop. It is a hard thing to think about. I think i cryed the last time i read my entry where i thought God wanted me to stop running. But its something that i have to do. If i cannot accept Gods plan over mine then i need to take a step back and think about how much i really do love him. To make my life full i need to Trust God because he knows best and some how i need to learn that trust. God i dont know what it is to trust uncondicitionally becuase i have either never done it or i am out of practice. I think i am just out of practice but i need you to put someone in my life who can show me what it looks like.

~Ian

consuming

I never meant to take it this far
I was only doing what felt good.
I sit and I wonder how I can be consumed so much by something so invisible

I blow up and it makes me sick to my stomach
I cant believe what I do every day

I thought I was doing better then all of a sudden it is back
Back with a vengeance UN matched by anything I have seen
Back to kill
Back to destroy.
It sneaks in slyly grinning.

The weight of the world bearing down on me what do I do.
Become consumed
Consumed by the biggest problem of them all
I was told this would happen
Over and over again warned not to even look down this road

But now here I am
I turned the wrong way at the fork in the road
The sign said “flee” and instead I explored.

Why do I refuse the warnings?
I knew I can’t deny it
From the first time till now every time harder to stop
I know not to but I am consumed by the feeling
By the false
By the lie
I can’t resist
Its what I want and it’s not what I want

How was I so stupid I was told to run.
To flee
Not to indulge
Not to dabble
Not to look
Not to even think about it

This is the worse opponent I have ever fought.
I punch and kick and shoot and every time I look it in the eye I am consumed

Consumed by the power of the forbidden
Consumed by the fact that I should not
Consumed by some thing that I cannot explain and something that I wish I could kill

I want to kill it I want it to go away but it wont not so long as continue to open the door

This thing, this evil, this serpent, the black fog of destruction and death.
It knocks on my door
It asks to come in
It pleas
It begs
It longs to have a companion
It wants me to let it in

Some days the door stays closed
Other days the door opens and the smile is wiped away by a gun pointed at its face
I shoot in the head and it screams and wines and turns to smog.
Evaporating into nothing and away.
I thank God for my gun and I thank him for the guts I have to kill it.

The bad days come.
I open the door and the smile is greeted by me looking at the ground.
Emotionless I stand their eyes down
I cannot look at it
I have just let it in
I have just lost.
And it smiles and steps in side “lets get started” it says

AHHHHHH
I scream as it leaves I cannot believe I just let it back into my heart.
I thought I had won
What happened when I pulled the trigger?
I thought I had killed it I thought I had won

GOD!!!!!!!
Why can’t I win?
Why do I feel alone?
Why do I feel like I am fighting without you?
I just need you to empower me with your power so I can beat this thing once and for all.

I refuse to go down I will not be beaten I can be scared but not taken. I have already pledged my life to the true God who gives hope and life.
Death cannot have my soul

what to do after big tens

Big tens comes along this year and we sucked ass. to cut right to the chase billy decided that he was going to get hammered drunk on Saturday night in the hotel. i of course got pissed about it and sent shane a facebook message saying i was about to tell coach but was not sure if i should that night or not. I decided not to say anything on the trip but to wait till after. tonight at 1am adam and dustin call me 7 or 8 times to which i am woken up and ignore their calls assuming they are drunk dialing me and if it is important they will leave a message. They then come over to the apartment and buzz the doorbell over and over again until i finally come out. The start with. “we herd you were telling coach drenth people were drinking tonight, people who’s seasons are over.” i replied with “why the fuck would coach care if you drank when your season was over?” they reseeded to ask what i was going to tell about and i said the drinking AT bigtens on saturday night. i said something on the lines of if you want to drink in season i dont care your just hurting yourself and i was real pissed that they woke me up to yell at me for telling coach something. MY big issue is why would anyone care if i told coach anything IF they wernt doing anything wrong. So this tells me that they felt like people could get in trouble for drinking after their seasons were over. I dont get it. if they thought they were doing somethign wrong why do it? secondly WHAT THE FUCK. i just dont know. i am up now its 145 i have class in the morning and i dont know who to talk to about this hole fucking ordeal. I feel like i should go over to billys and just lay down how i feel but i am not going to. part of me feels like they know change is comming and feel threatened by it but i also feel like thats total bull shit. The other half of me feels like calling coach right now and telling him the hole story no matter how pissed he gets. i really dont know where i am trying to take a team that i may or may NOT even deserve to have a say in. and also when i finnaly thought i had someone, namely shane, who believed it getting rid of the bull shit he tells dustin and adam that i am going to “tattle” on them to coach. At what point to i try to deal with this on my own and at what point do i just tell coach. At what point am i “tattleing” and breaking the unwritten code of “get your fellow 18-23 year olds backs no matter what”. Is telling coach going to betray half my teams trust in me and put whatever leadership i may have had back to ground zero or will it truly weed out some people whom we dont need. I dont know what to do. I do know that i wont be going to class in the morning anymore because its 2am and class starts in 6 hours. for now good night Ian hope you figgure this  crap out. 

Stupid Ian

Well kim your the only one that will read this so i’ll just screw it and address it to you… lol cuz this one is kinda to you. i made it 5 weeks. and now i need advise on how to end it. i have been meening to talk to you about it every day for about 10 days now but for some reason i just have not found the time. (school is crazy right now)…. so i had something else planned to say but because i forgot i will just end with that. have a good one. I’m holding my record of never being broken up with…. wait thats a lie i forgot about that one. not important going to sleep bye. 

Quotes

“I believe that God has designed us in such a way that our body is able to do amazing things when we truly believe it is possible.” ~Ryan Hall ~~~~~~~~~~ “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Proverbs. 24:16 ~~~~~~~~~~”If you want to make God laugh, just try and make plans for the future.”- Ron Litzler ”~~~~~~~~~~ I stayed down for a couple of days, but then I gradually lifted myself out of the dirt and got back to work. I am amazed by how much that one decision to get back up changed my life” ~Ryan Hall ~~~~~~~~~~“Man imposes his own limitations, don’t set any” ~Anthony Bailey ~~~~~~~~~~”It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it.” ~ Brooks Johnson ~~~~~~~~~~ ”The thing about Pre is that he ran as hard as he could every race, and if you were going to beat him, you were going to have to run harder than he did.” ~Bob Kennedy ~~~~~~~~~~ “I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength” ~philippians 4:13 ~~~~~~~~~ “Pain is temporary, pride is forever.” ~ Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~ “Only those who risk going to far can see how far we can really go.” ~Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~ ”Speed in everything”~Steve Scott (Sub 4, 136 times) ~~~~~~~~~~ “There are men who think they can, and there are men who think they can’t, both men are right. Which one are you son?” ~Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~ “How Bad Do You Want It?” ~Tim McGraw ~~~~~~~~~~ ”I am the way, the truth, and the light, no one comes to the father except through me” ~Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~ “How Fast is Too Fast?” ~Ian ~~~~~~~~~~ “If the dream is big enough the facts dont count” Bubba xxxxx ~~~~~~~~~~ “Cross Country: finally a good use for golf courses” ~ Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunshine is delicious, Rain is refreshing, Wind braces us up, Snow is exhilarating, There’s really no such thing as bad weather, Only different kinds of good weather.” ~Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~”Gold medals aren’t really made of gold. They’re made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts.” ~Dan Gable ~~~~~~~~~~ The true test of a man’s character is what he does when he knows he won’t get caught. ~Proverb (reworded) ~~~~~~~~~~ Once you’re beat mentally, you might as well not even go to the starting line. ~Todd Williams ~~~~~~~~~~ It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness. ~Seneca ~~~~~~~~~~ “Life’s battles don’t always go to the strongest or fastest man, But sooner or later the man who wins is the fellow who thinks he can.” ~pre (i think) 

losing hope.

I am a runner who cannot run, it has been 12 weeks of cross training, i am out of shape, confused, frustrated, depressed, and worst of all losing hope and faith. there are more than 20 people praying for me to be healed and yet nothing happens. its  time in my life that i am more involved with my faith then i have ever been. I am praying more and reading more than ever. i cant even count how many nights i have fallen asleep crying out to God to heal me, and yet nothing. i cant remember how many times i have tried to run and it is just too painful and i fall down and cry out to God for an answer, and answer that has not come. I am reading his words more than i ever have and yet he is not speaking to me. it is as though God himself does not exist. I have been told that in life’s hardest times you feel alone but i have never felt like this before. its times like this when i begin to question my faith. I ask myself if its real. I have so much faith in something that seems to not exist. People say that you must let go of what you hold most dear before you can be free to follow God. but how do you give something up that you dont even have anymore. Every part of my life suffers. My coach tells me to stay positive or i will never get better but i have never experienced anything as mentally draining as being positive for 12 weeks of negativity. Every day i get up and fake it. I take a deep breath say a payer and start living again. some days are easier than others but all are hard. Its like telling a mother who just lost a child to smile because she is still alive. or telling her to have faith that God could bring her child back to life. Yeah he can but will he? what is the plan and why cant i find it in this book of so said “gods words”? the part that bothers me the most is the fact that there is nothing medically wrong with me. i have done every treatment the doctors can think of. i have had x-rays MRI’s and bone scans and all come back negative. The doctors poke and prod trying to find where the pain is even though i have already told them a thousand times. They think to themselves, not to come up with an answer but rather to recall all the things they have already told me, which i have treated and ruled out. Bewildered some make things up or ask me to get more tests, and others bite their pride and tell me that anatomically and medically there is no explanation as to why pain the pain is still there. They tell me i can run as long as it does not hurt but that means nothing because if it dident hurt i would not be there. So i leave head down for a second and when i leave i hear my coach telling me that i need to stay positive. so i take a deep breath say a little prayer, pull my shoulders back, and limp on for the rest of my day. I try to cross train to keep my fitness up but its like what’s the point. my coaches would be mad if they herd me say that but really with no end in sight what’s the point. there are 17 weeks in till the olympic trials. which means i have to run fast as fuck within the next 16 weeks. a feat not easily accomplished. which makes me want to do one of two things. Train harder or just call it quits. I know to some people these problems are “nothing” but i can honestly say its taking its toll. breaking me down day by day and staying strong is getting harder and harder every second i continue standing. its like holding rocks over your head while walking up a mountain. I did this once. if you have a goal its easy to keep going because you know how much longer you have to go. but when you dont know how long it will be its hard to max yourself out. the other part of this thats hard is that a 2 pound rock in each hand feels like nothing at fist. you could juggle it toss it to a friend or through it almost as far as a base ball. But when you hold it over your head that weight seems to get heavier and heavier. after just a couple of minutes it feels like you are holding a 100 pound weight over your head. and almost every second that goes by that weight gains 2 to 3 pounds. life’s a bitch i guess. and i can only assume the only reason i have made it this far is because jesus has not abandoned me but rather is carrying me in his arms. 

SEX TRADE

My Thanks to Mr. j. Medieiros for this video Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/mrjmedeirosVideo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqyLRpGgxRs Lyrics :

An old man vacationing, he stands patiently/under a hotel sign that blinks vacancy/he’s thinking maybe he’s to late to make the drop off/till a truck coming his way breaks and stops short/and now his out of sorts and you can see his sorta nervous/walking to the passenger door to meet is ordered service/this is someone daughter working blames his conscience/when the driver says “she’s my youngest, her name is Constance”/he comments “and its only 6 dollars per visits/just don’t leave any marks on her, it hurts business”/thought for a minute and he confessed “that’s fair”/since it was three dollars less then his cab fare/”how old are you honey” she says “I’m thirteen”/her nose was runny its raining in the Philippines/he handed over the money in a chilling scene/the truck drives off and now he’s on the hunt to kill her dreams/the sign reads no vacancy,/ he leads Constance to a room he has rented for tapping see,/his about to turn six into six thousand/and all you have to do is click on your web browser/its not illegal to use rapping as cash crop/as long as it says she’s 18 on your laptop/the sound of rain is her backdrop laying there/like she’s waiting for somebody to say they care/while the tears of God fall down the window pain/she feels unholy like her Father doesn’t know her name/Marry Magdalene and the woman at the well/He knows everything that happened and His arms she fell./

Chorus:repeat x2 in his arms she fellwill you stay with me

Verse 2:His 21 and all alone in his household/he’s tempted by the quiet he feels and the mouse he holds/the silence of his spouse is cold/so his about to help that man get his six thousand gold/one click and now she’s sold/withholding his conscience scrolling through the comments/there she is looking confident a picture of Constance/in a series of video clips, “adult content”/the title blinks in bold letters like the vacancy signits his time to go get her/its like his mind doesn’t know better/her soul is crying out “let me go” but her wont let her/he got her trapped inside his media player/held captive by his need to replay her/its a matter of he being here and she being there/that’s why he doesn’t feel the need to care/guilt is in the seed he bares/spilling his shares of the profit/on a 500,000 million dollar marketwere children are regarded as product/and traded like stock tips/and raped for the sake of our pockets/his lap top sits like a window into Constance room/where he enters cuz it’s almost noon/and his expecting his wife home soon/with new close for the baby/shed be angry if she saw his new lady/a thirteen year old Filipino named Constance/trust me girl God has not forgotten/He knew Marry Magdalene and the Woman at the Well/He knows everything that happened and in His arms she fell/

Chorus:repeat x2in his arms she fellwill you stay with me 

2/3/08 2:53am

I found something out about myself today. In high school i said i could not wait to leave because i wanted to get away from it all. Well i really wanted to get away from myself. With girls i had become a very insecure thing that wanted people to like me. When a girl started to like me because she thought i was cute or thought i was nice or whatever, i would usually pick up on it extremely quickly. If the girl was good looking and had a acceptable personality i would flirt with her and start hanging out with her. Me being a christian have always been told that i should not date a non christian (bible says not to marry but i agree with the not dating for reasons i wont get into now). So it does not take very long to find out that this girl was not living like the Perfect christian which i would tie to her Not being one. (I found this to be very shallow after my freshmen year in college when no-one could tell i was a christian) Ok so back to the story. I would flirt and hang out with these girls and when they would want more i would tell them that i could not date because of God or because running took up too much time and i did not want to neglect them or some other bull shit reason. when i reality i just dident think they were christians. But the only reason these girls gave me the light of day is because they thought i was nice or good looking. And because i was insecure i dident want to lose them as “friends”. So i would continue to flirt with them, never wanting anything to come of it and leading them on. so thats what i realized today. I used to lead people on just so they would continue to hold out for me even though i told them there was no chance. So i was leading girls on who i was not interested in just so if i did become interested they would be single and so i would have friends and peeps to flirt with. ASS HOLE> now a day i try not to do that but found that i still did with a girl i car greatly about. she is probably the closest human i have ever gotten involved with that almost matches my guideline for a girl-fried. but their is one piece missing and so i try real hard to ignore it and to just date her but every time we get close the missing piece of the puzzle just glares me in the face. The un-fun thing is that she is the smartest of them all. i told her that i liked her but there was something missing i just dident know what. She is the only one who knew i was either lying and just dident like her or that i was too scared to tell her what the missing piece was. She was right i was just too scared to tell her. 

10 Days Later

I think it weird when you realize you have come to a wall in your life and you have to make a decision. When you think about what you would choose it is always easy to say. However, once the choice has punched you in the face you realize you have to face it or run. Its call fight of flight and if you have every taken a psychology class you have probably herd of it. Basically you got a choice you body sizes up the opponent that has just challenged you and it makes a mental (i think) decisionas to weather you odds are better fighting and getting past this opponent or if you are faster and can run and hide. Now naturally running away would usually be my choice considering i don’t like facing things i would rather just run away and forget about them for a while. However this one thing i knew i had to work out. After i realized God was trying to get through to me and telling me something, i knew i had to fight and not run. Night one i slept probably 23minutes and cried out to God for the other 8or so hours. my prayer was much of the same all night, a broken record repeat of “God why? why do you want me to give it up? I don’t want to! I love it too much! I cant? Oh God please Help me i cant do it?” and so on. But believe it or not it worked. the next night i read my post to my father and broke down crying. Now before i go on i had been unable to cry for years. I don’t remember the last time i cried. Honestly Screw being MOCHO because i think crying every once in a while is healthy thing, and i tyred too but just could not. The closest i could come was a tear when i would watch a movie where the dad died. but never really breaking down. So anyway i am on the phone with my dad telling him that i think God might have told me to give up my Gift. Well that night i realized that it was not so. I e-mailed a friend of mine and he said this:———————————————————–”What a struggle that you’re wrestling with.  I understand…I had a friend once who loved to play guitar.  At a point, he realized that guitar was all that he cared about.  He really wanted to please God and not have anything between them, so he packed up his guitar and put it away.  Know what he does now?  Plays guitar.God gave him a gift and meant for him to use it…it’s that simple.  He may have needed to tweak his priorities or show some spiritual discipline, but he didn’t need to give up the talent and gift that God gave him.Imagine that…you give someone a gift and it pleases you to see them use it.  But one day they get confused about their priorities…maybe the gift is too important to them…so they put it away.  Your heart breaks as your gift sits unused while they sort out which is more important…the gift or the giver.My point?”For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do.”1) You are God’s work of art…and you are designed to run2) You are created to have an intimate relationship with Jesus3) Using your gifts, you will reach people and do work for God’s kingdom that nobody else can doYou know who love you running more than you?  The God that made you able to run so well… —————————————————–It was so great to hear that because i knew God was telling me something but i also had a Peace that it was not to give it up completely. I realized that it was more of an issue with where my loyally lied. In anything you do when you are overly concerned with the outcome you will usually not be happy with it. there can only be one Best and when you strive to be the best you will either not make it or not last  long. So where does this leave you, if being the best was the goal, It leaves you empty at the end. You will Finnish and feel unsatisfied. So i realized that i needed to stop letting running define me and rather let God define me. Let God make me who he wanted me to be and use my talents to praise him along the way… I will leave by saying I am currently Relentlessly perusing my dream of the olympic games and exploring what it will mean to run a race where the only outcome i care about is weather i praised God with every step or not. And lastly Watch this it is good =====    http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=e593f8eba239bada1a0c     =====